Are we having fun yet?

Are we having fun yet?

This may be a question of balance between the positives and the negatives in our relationships

"Marriages may be made in heaven - but then so are thunder and lightning"
...so says Nathan Cobb (Boston Globe, 1997). Some people have marriages which can best be described as fiery, with lots of arguments and 'knock-down-drag-out' fights, followed by passionate reconciliations, while others have relationships that are so uneventful they may sometimes seem boring. Most of us have experienced marriages (our own or that of someone in our family) that fit somewhere between the two extremes.

If the relationship between you and your partner is like a voyage on a seagoing vessel, what kind of trip are you having?

• High seas with house-high waves and deep troughs?
• A difficult passage between treacherous rocks?
• Moderate surf with occasional dumpers?
• Gentle lapping waves on the bobbing boat?
• Water calm as a mill pond?

Even in the most committed of relationships, it is sometimes a real battle to keep things on an even keel, and often dissatisfaction and resentment well up and threaten to overwhelm the 'relation ship'. At these times, the level of goodwill between the partners may be very low indeed, and this puts the relationship at risk.

So, what do I mean by 'goodwill'? Let me start by describing it this way: GOODWILL in a relationship is what provides resistance to resentment (ill will) through creating a protective cushioning barrier which absorbs or reflects anger, disappointment, hurt and frustrations.

GOODWILL is what makes us willing to overlook potentially annoying behaviour - like snoring, forgetfulness, clumsiness, untidiness, thoughtlessness, irritability...

GOODWILL is what makes us less likely to respond with irritation, anger, or pay-back behaviour

GOODWILL is what stops us from feeling gleeful when our partner comes unstuck. It is what stops us from saying "If you had listened to me in the first place...!"

GOODWILL is what gives us restraint and consideration - even when we know the urgency of our needs is equal to those of our partner

GOODWILL is what makes us willing to go the extra mile in terms of offering comfort, assistance and sympathy

In summary, goodwill is the fund of positive attitudes, feelings and intentions you have towards someone else.

In a marriage, the reserve of goodwill provides the 'shock absorbers' when life gets turbulent and things get tough. Couples who build up and maintain a 'reserve of goodwill' find that it acts as a 'buffer zone' when they are facing the challenges that come with life events such as pregnancy and childrearing, illness, accidents, moving house, family pressures and work-related crises. How partners handle these challenges affects how much goodwill they can generate and sustain in the relationship. This is not always easy, as most couples know, because differences in backgrounds, temperament and ways of doing things affect how we see things, how we do things and how we choose our priorities. Even our ways of handing stress can be different - but more about that later. Small wonder, then, that keeping the reserve of goodwill topped up is a bit like trying to fill a leaky bathtub.

If you have ever sat in a bathtub with a leaky plug and tried to stay warm and comfortable, you will have an idea of what it is like to be in a relationship where the reserve of goodwill is diminishing. Of course, you can turn on the tap and hope to keep the warm water running in faster than it is running out. This illustrates what I mean by replenishing the goodwill. The trick is to build up the goodwill faster than it is draining away.

As the bathtub picture shows, the partners' positive thoughts, actions, attitudes and intentions build up the reserve of goodwill, while the negative thoughts, actions, attitudes and intentions diminish the supply of goodwill in the relationship. Each partner has his/her own independent level of goodwill. The total relationship goodwill is the sum of the goodwill of both partners, but each might be very different. For example, a husband might have a high level of goodwill while the wife has not - or vice versa.

Put simply, your goodwill towards your partner increases every time you think, "I like what you do", "I like what you say", "I like how you do things". Conversely when you think "I don't like what you are doing", "I don't like what you say", "I don't like how you do things", your reserve of goodwill is draining away.

In marriages there are always times when one or other of the partners feels neither loving nor lovable.

In the face of 'difficult' behaviour from a partner, it is hard to retain positive feelings and attitudes - and easy to retaliate with behaviours that are not likely to increase goodwill.

It is a simple fact that some people are better equipped to handle anger, hurt, anxiety and frustration than others. Most people when under stress or ongoing pressure will revert to ways of handling difficulties that they learnt in their childhood families - even if they know this not very helpful. If their mother or father handled an unpleasant situation by withdrawing and sulking or by pretending it did not exist, they will too, Others 'disappear' for a while until the unpleasantness has 'blown over' or until they think they can handle the situation. Still others seek to control the situation by withholding. That is, they may ration information, intimacy, sex or money - or even their physical presence - in order to maintain power over their partner. Perhaps they never give their partner the pleasure of graciously accepting a gift or a compliment or an act of kindness; perhaps they deny them the pleasure of actually enjoying something the other person finds fun. Then there are the naggers and the experts at subtle and not so subtle put downs and criticisms.

The trick to keeping the relationship happy and satisfying is how the partners deal with the feelings that arise when they irritate, displease or disappoint each other.

This can come from 'big' things such as choice of priorities in important areas of time, money, child-rearing and career directions, but it can also come from the so-called 'little things'. Perhaps it is not surprising that a good deal of the ill will and resentment in marriages arises from differences over driving styles, cooking methods, washing up, hanging up clothes, packing for a trip, and choice of holiday venue. To name a few.

In terms of how we deal with these differences, among the main destroyers of goodwill are withdrawal and withholding behaviours, and bossiness, criticism and disrespect. Unless these behaviours are balanced out with behaviours that assure a partner of respect, loyalty, caring and admiration, the reserve of goodwill can get dangerously low.

SIGNS THAT THE RESERVE OF GOODWILL IS LOW

• lack of enjoyment of a partner's company
• active avoidance of each other's company
• low tolerance for a partner
• unwillingness to accommodate or compromise
• unwillingness to meet partner's needs
• feelings of contempt or disgust for a partner
• ongoing resentment
• indifference

A relationship where all of this applies is in big trouble. So, are there some secrets to maintaining the reserve of goodwill under pressure? The most important thing is to have the positives in the relationship outweigh the negatives. In marriages where the partners tend to have 'take no prisoners' battles, they need to find even more ways of breaking the tension, having fun, changing focus and creating neutral territory than those whose relationship has few really stressful interactions. A good rule of thumb is to aim for five times more neutral and/or positive words and interactions than hurtful and negative interactions. The way we communicate in the little things is very important. There are some things that are 'music to a partner's ears':

MUSIC TO A PARTNER'S EARS;

• "I love it when you..."
• "I really enjoyed our day together"
• "That was really fun"
• "You may well be right"
• "I think you are right"
• "I agree totally"
• "Let's do it your way"
• "I'll just leave you to get on with it - your way"

Then again there are some phrases that really pull the plug on goodwill in a relationship. Any of these sound familiar?

THINGS PARTNERS DON'T LIKE TO HEAR;

• "You made a mess of that"
• "You are doing it the wrong way"
• "You didn't listen to me"
• "You always..."
• "I told you so"
• "If you had listened to me..."
• "Why can't you..."
• "How come you..."
• "What a stupid thing to do!"
• "Can't you ever get it right!"
• "Who'd want to hear your opinion?"
• "I don't trust your judgement"

Being aware of the ways in which we sabotage our interactions is a first step in making sure the negatives don't outweigh the positives. This makes the difference between a marriage that lasts as a 'serving time' option or one that lasts as a joyful, happy union. Plenty of fun, laughter, and mutual enjoyment and shared interests are the best ways to build and maintain the reserve of goodwill.

Be vigilant - don't wait until the reserve of goodwill has run out!
Keep topping it up - and avoid that empty feeling!

If you want to know more about the capacities, strategies, skills and personal qualities that appear to foster and maintain a healthy reserve of goodwill, then you might like to read The Little Book of Insights into Couple Relationships. The book is available from Elizabeth Tuettemann for $11.50, including postage and handling at:

R.M.B. 418, BOYUP BROOK W.A. 6244
Tel: 08 9833 2260 Fax: 08 9833 2261
etuettem@katel.net.au

Bunnies, bystanders and gunholders

Bunnies, bystanders and gunholders

Don't shoot said the rabbit,
It is such a bad habit,
It would not be so funny
If you were the bunny
And I was the man with the gun
BANG BANG
(a rhyme that my Pop used to say to me).

When I began my journey to be a therapist, I used to see injustice and wanted to help the bunnies of this world, the people who were victimised, harrassed, intimidated and abused, whether at work, in the home or at school. I found that many bunnies were often sad and lonely and let the man with the gun (who of course could actually be a woman) stand over them to please the gunholder and feel needed. They were often very emotional people and needed to be liked, so they often tried to please everyone. After a short while, I found that bunnies weren't the only ones that needed help. I started and continue to work with gunholders, and found that many of them were once bunnies and became gunholders to survive. They live by the beliefs "I'll get you before you get me!", "I will withhold my love, my time, my money or my sexual favours to punish you before you can hurt me". Some of the most violent gunholders have had the most violent things happen to them in the past.

As I worked with bunnies and gunholders, I realised there was a lot more going on than simply a person with a gun pointed at a bunny. People were standing on the sidelines watching (bystanders), and they often played a part and affected the outcome between the bunnies and the gunholders. Often bystanders are too close and see only that moment in time when the person is pointing the gun at the bunny. They do not see what happened before, or after, or how they themselves contributed to the roles of bunny and gunholder in the drama playing out in front of them. Bystanders tend to do one of four things that negatively affect the outcome of the interaction between the gunholder and the bunny:

1. Bystanders can turn away and ignore the intimidation, harassment and abuse, showing both bunnies and gun holders that they are not important to the bystander. Often this results in an escalation of the conflict between the bunnies and the gunholder. Both the other players feel that they are unimportant to the bystander and increase their behaviour to be noticed and feel important. Bystanders feel important and superior when they do this and often say "It is not my problem, it is theirs!"

2. Bystanders can punish gunholders and protect bunnies. In fact, this is the most common way for bystanders to deal with bunnies and gunholders. This can have negative affects on both gunholder and bunnies. When gunholders are punished they become more defensive and a great deal more angry. They tend to either shoot their guns at anyone within range or they bury their anger and resentment and slyly do things to hurt others. Increased incidence of road rage and unprovoked violence in the community are examples of shooting at anyone within range. The second kind of behaviours are prevalent but not always seen, they include cynicism, sarcasm and accidentally on purpose hurting other people. Many gunholders feel that they are being doubly punished because originally they were bunnies and got punished by someone else with a gun.

When bystanders say or imply to the bunny, "You poor little thing, we'll protect you" the bunny translates this to mean "You are totally useless and cannot look after yourself, you need someone to look after you", and feels intimidated and abused by the bystander as well as the gunholder. They either take on the bunny (victim) role for life, or they arm themselves with a gun and become a gunholder, sometimes in the disguise of a bystander.

3. Bystanders can encourage the gunholder to believe that it is every person's right to take up guns and hunt bunnies. "The world would be better without the whining and whinging bunnies". Often in this case the bystander is actually a gunholder in a bystander disguise.

4. Bystanders can take the bunny's side, and believe that the bunny should have the gun to get 'even' with the gunholder, so they give guns to the bunnies. They try to give power back to the bunny. The bunny then becomes another person with a gun. Often in this case the bystander is actually a bunny with a bystander disguise.

To complicate things, it can be hard to distinguish between a bunny, a bystander and a gunholder, because people change roles not just over long periods of time but during a day. Someone may be a bunny at work, a bystander at the local school but a gunholder at home. Even some that seem like bunnies at all times, may do things like clean the toilet with the gunholder's toothbrush, dish up maggotty food or dog food to the gunholder, lose reports or accidentally damage gunholder's stuff at work.

Is this what we want in our society? Do we need lots of intimidating gunholders, bunnies being victimised, while bystanders feel important by protecting and punishing or ignoring the intimidation, abuse and harrassment that goes on in our homes, schools and workplaces? Is there a better outcome?

An outcome that I work towards is that the gun is put down willingly and the person behind the gun emerges. The bunnies take off their bunny suits and the person behind the bunny suit emerges. Bystanders stop handing out guns and bunny suits and they all become what they always were - people. People, with differences who can walk side by side on their journey through life.

Ask yourself. Do you wear a bunny suit? Do you hide behind a gun? Do you give out bunny suits and hand out guns? What roles have you played in your life? Which roles do you now play? Look around your workplace, your home, your schools: who are/were the bunnies? who are/were the gun holders? and who are/were the bystanders? What keeps you playing these roles? And more importantly how can you get out of these roles?

Personally, I have played all those roles in my life - I have worn a bunny suit, hidden behind a gun and handed out guns and bunny suits to other people. But once you throw away your props and recognise them as ways of hiding from yourself there is no going back. People hiding in any of these roles are often not aware of their role - they may have played it all their life and it may have been passed down from a parent or a teacher. Bystanders judge the others as 'good' (bunnies) and 'bad' (gunholders). The gunholders blame both the bunnies and the bystanders. The bunnies feel sorry for themselves and lean on the bystanders and secretly admire the braveness of the gunholders. I now have enough distance to be able to see that there are no 'good' or 'bad' people, only people who are 'stuck' - emotionally, mentally or spiritually 'stuck'.

In my work I show people how they got 'stuck' and what they can do about it, then it is their choice whether to remain 'stuck' or put their props down and journey through life as a person. From where I view the dramas, I see that the bunnies, the bystanders and the gunholders are all 'stuck' somewhere in the landscape of life (the map that is described in the book Journey to the centre of your life- the map). For those people who have read this book. The bunnies tend to be 'stuck' in the Swamp of Feelings, the bystanders are 'stuck' in Avoidance Marshes and the people with guns are 'stuck' in the Anger/Guilt mudflats.

Often simply highlighting these roles/places within the map allows people to see where they are. By showing them how to walk down the road towards the life they want, they are usually no longer interested in being bunnies, bystanders or gunholders and are motivated to do something about it. This can take time. This is not a quick fix solution. Quick fix solutions are to give bunnies guns, or remove the guns from the people with guns who then spend all their time searching for another gun. To show people how to walk down the highway without a gun is a long term solution.

I used to think that the people holding the guns would be the hardest to work with, but have since found that people who are pretending to be bystanders but are actually gunholders find it hardest to see their role in these dramas and as such are the hardest to work with. As parents, teachers, workers and people we need to be constantly on the look out for opportunities to speak to the person behind the props. Any one of us can make a difference by doing this. Instead of making a judgement, simply smile and welcome people, talk to them as if they are you, how you would like to be spoken to or treated.

Written by Roslyn Snyder

One up, One down, Or an equal,We are the Same Relationship?

One up, One down, Or an equal,
We are the Same Relationship?

All of us, both men and women, have the capacity to be violent, and are violent to some degree at times, in our thoughts words and actions. Who has not at some point thought, "I'm so mad, I could kill..." However, most of us don't act on these impulses.

Nevertheless, many people do perpetrate violence on the people around them at times, and because of this our society has many problems related to domestic violence (DV). The most often reported DV concerns male physical violence and threats of violence, although it ahs also to be said that abuse can take many forms, physical and non-physical. Lets look at how DV can manifest in non-physical forms. How many of us have experienced or handed out at least some of the following?

• Abusive, psychologically damaging words. Shouting, name calling, put-downs, insults, and criticisms.
• Economic abuse: controlling the finances to the extent that it denies access to the other person.
• Social abuse: restricting or forbidding a partner contact with friends and family, or use of phone or car.
• Sexual abuse: demanding sex with threats or abuse.
• Emotional abuse: making unjustified accusations of flirting or infidelity.
• Verbal violence: intimidation and threats of violence.

While both males and females can be involved in any of these forms of abuse, DV statistics show that the most frequent and severe involves male violence towards their partners. Naturally, violence or abuse is always inappropriate and unacceptable. The research I recently completed concentrated on male violence towards their partners.

Surveys from the United States have produced estimates that between 18% and 36% of wives are abused by their husbands at some time. (Straus, Gelles, & Steinmetz 1980).

However, what is often lost sight of is the fact that most men in our society are NOT physically violent to their partners. If the above estimates of 18% to 36% are used, then between 64% and 82% of men are physically NON-violent in their relationships.

Because I have been concerned about DV for many years, I researched this issue for my thesis, with the aim of contributing to domestic violence prevention. My research approach drew upon the experiences and viewpoints of men, mostly social workers, working with men who abuse and beat their wives. I chose to interview these professionals, because I felt their vast experience in this area ensured that they were knowledgeable on the subject.

My focus was on two important aspects of DV. Firstly, "What causes domestic violence?" and secondly, "What brings most men in our society to be physically non-violent to their partners?" If we can find out why most men are physically non-violent, we can hopefully help more people become non-violent, and create a non-violent society. Therefore my aim was explore what leads to both violent and non-violent behaviour, and hence find a direction to stop violence before it begins. That is, rather than attempting to change violent behaviour after it has developed, it is surely preferable for a person to develop non-violent attitudes and behaviour so that the option of being violent never occurs, even in anger.

I interviewed twenty social workers who worked with violent men and their victims, asking them a series of twenty-five questions. In this article I am going to discuss only their responses to the question, "What do you think causes violence?" I will deal with other questions in forthcoming articles and in my planned book.

The social workers all said violence is mainly caused by scripting, men taking on the traditional rules of masculinity, and women taking on the corresponding rules of what it means to be feminine. The rules that boys and men are typically given how to, 'be a man', and what girls and women are frequently supposed to do to be 'a woman.' They all felt one of the first things that family and society need to do is change the rules that are given to both boys and girls.

What are these traditional societal rules?

Generally, males have been taught to be tough, strong, and work hard, and to be in control of women, and also to believe that women will meet their needs and take care of them. They are often taught that men are more important than women, and that men have the right to hold the 'one up' privileged positions in families and society. Males are still often ridiculed and shamed for showing feelings other than anger. For example, many boys are teased if they cry or show sadness. They are not supposed to be weak, or be intimate with others, and they are frequently told not to ask for help; they should know all the answers.

Boys have often been teased and shamed if they don't live up to these rules, and called, 'sissy, girls, or poofters.' 'What are ya, a girl?', is often a taunt given to boys. Boys then learn to have contempt for girls, and believe that, 'girl germs', are bad, and that men are better than girls and women. As a result, many boys are growing up believing they have to follow these rules in order to be accepted. Some believe they have to be independent loners, strong, tough, and in control. Many boys and men will then resort to being violent to prove their 'manhood.'

Girls have often been given opposite rules, told they should be, 'passive, nice, pleasing, and take care of others.' They are not supposed to have needs of their own, or be themselves. They can cry and be sad, but not angry, ("that's not ladylike"). Girls are often led to believe they are less important than boys, so they defer to what males want. For example, if asked what they want, girls and women will often say, "what ever you want is fine with me." Females are raised to take on the 'one down' position.

An interesting study called "The Pizza Study" (Mariner, Simon & Lambert, of Imago Conference, 2002, audiotape) supports this idea. In this study girls aged 8-9 were asked what they wanted on their pizza. At this age the girls said clearly what they wanted, eg. Cheese, tomato, sausage, etc. At age 11, they were asked what they wanted, and they replied, "I don't know." By age 13, when asked, What do you want on your pizza? They then said, "Whatever you want."

Girls often feel there is something wrong with them because of the 'girl germs' attitudes from boys. They feel they have to please others in order to be lovable. If they have seen their mothers put up with violence, they feel they have to tolerate it as well.

For example one of the social workers told a story about his parents. His father would sit in the lounge room watching TV most of the day, and when hungry or thirsty would yell to his wife in the kitchen, saying, "I am hungry out here, bring me some food." His mother would do as he demanded and bring him food and coffee. The social worker was angry at his father for treating his mother that way, but also angry at his mother for letting his father get away with treating her that way.

When children raised with these typical types of scripting get into relationships, there are not many avenues for them to communicate or be close with each other. Some of their functions have been shut down, so they can't really talk to each other. Their relationship tends to feel empty from lack of intimacy. They have learned to shut off their real feelings and they can only communicate in very limited and protected ways. Below is a sample couple, named Dick and Jane, illustrating what this kind of one up, one down relationship looks like. NOTE: this is not typical of ALL modern relationships.

One Up, One Down Relationship

Jane nurtures and cares for Dick, but Jane does not get much, if any, caring from Dick.

Dick feels he has to be in control, and does this by criticizing Jane, telling her there are things wrong with her, putting her down, being bossy with her and the children. He expects to be cared for and given the privileged position in the family.

They divide the parenting roles. Jane does the caring, Dick does the discipline. Jane spends time with the children, he can be absent.

Dick has intellectual conversations outside the relationship, while Jane feels frustrated, and left out of intelligent conversations with Dick.

Dick and Jane relate to each other according to the rules. They can discuss the garden, the kids, what’s for dinner, what's happening at school for the children, "what's on this week?" Intimate issues about themselves or their relationship are not discussed.

They have little space for fun together, to be spontaneous, or intimate with each other. They think the only way to have that is through sex, which is often unsatisfying and without true intimacy.

Dick is often rebellious both inside the relationship as well as outside with authority and rules. It is often said by men and even people in the legal system, that women cause violence by 'nagging, and bitching'. However, what often happens is that Jane asks Dick to help in some way, and he rebels with an attitude of, 'don't tell me what to do', and refuses. When Jane gets angry, and asks again, she is defined as 'nagging or bitching.'

The above is a dismal picture and perhaps, for many, exaggerated to some extent. However this scripting has been common for at least the past generation or two, and for many is still happening. When people, who are adults now, have seen their parents, and/or grandparents behave with violence, or according to these rules, it is often still a part of their beliefs.

Many people are now aware of new and healthier ways of relating within a marriage or partnership, but the old programs still get used at times. In contrast, if the relationship was an Equal, We are the Same relationship, it would look more like this.

Equal, We are the Same Relationship

Jane and Dick nurture and care for each other.

Dick does not feel he has to be in sole control, and he does not criticize Jane. They praise and support each other. Dick takes an equal position in the family, and he does not feel entitled to privilege.

They share the parenting. Both nurture and discipline the children in appropriate ways.

Dick and Jane share intelligent conversations with each other and with outside friends.

Dick and Jane relate to each other as equals. They share tasks, and are not bound by "women's work- men's work" rules.

They have fun together, are spontaneous, intimate, share and discuss their feelings, and are passionate with each other in healthy ways. They share good communication.

Dick does not rebel, nor mind Jane asking him to help. They help each other and model this equal relationship to their children so that the children will also develop this kind of relationship script when older.

Most importantly, There is no abuse or violence in their relationship.

The most important thing to realize is that all people have the power to decide to be different at any moment. A person can decide to stop being violent or controlling at any time, and a person can decide to stop putting up with being treated badly at any time.

We can begin to create a non-violent society by changing these old rules, and by raising boys and girls in an equal way. I will talk more about this in my next article.

Written by Linda Gregory